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So there is this professor in Ghent, Belgium. My whole thesis is grounded on his theory. My understanding of yoga teachings is also primarily grounded on his writings, in addition to my own experience of yoga, sure. I went to see him in summer 2017. He told me to drop the phd off because I have no idea about what I wanna do with myself and how I project my life in 5 years (very briefly- otherwise it was an intense meeting, well, we talked about Kali). Since then, it has been popping up in my mind what do I want to do in life or where I see myself in 5 years. I actually don’t like these questions (there is a reason I guess!).
This new moon kicks these questions to the surface, very strong, in connection with family ties, ex-lover confusions, and hopefully the last revision of this thesis. A friend of mine from India, whose knowledge I trust about vedic astro, summarized this new moon: ‘revision’. Of what I’m not sure. He is with few words always. Revision of where we stand, not only in our relationships with others but also with ourselves maybe, how do we relate to the world? With the scorpio in venus, what really we want to dig into (in life)? Such an annoying question. Because it also implies that it must be the one and only thing, you know. And there are bunch of people I know, including me, ‘my tribe’ I’d call, who do different things, who have varied interests.
Sometimes I question myself about the things that I like, about the things I want to do, about the things I have done and doing. A very different path I feel like, sometimes I trust the process, you know. Things will clear out. Sometimes I feel worried about not knowing where I am going (at the age of 34!) – this is my ‘lesson’ right! Learn to let it go.
About the things I like, I’m like maybe I actually don’t like them. Do you feel the same sometimes? Like maybe I pretend I like and it is an illusion. Because I feel like I have to be productive and efficient and experience life to the fullest. But what really drives me? Well, really, many things. I hear you say, then do it. I remember my Ashtanga teacher in Mysore, Sharath, used to quote from his grandfather, that yogis should stick to one method, otherwise it’s just confusion. I guess, I’m natural born skeptic and curious about maaany other methods about maaany different subjects.
My massage teacher used to tell this story: so they were in Goa many years back, there was this guy who used to come up what ever novel but keep changing whatever he does in each time they meet, because you know keeping up with novelty is not easy!:) anyways, so at the end this guy ended up not holding on to anything. He tells this story advising students to choose one method and really delve into it. His perspective sure.
I’m not sure of this following only one method. I guess this makes me the perfect example of someone spending time in confusion of wandering amongst different methods. Well, every one of us tries to find our own truth.
My therapist tells me to empty my pockets and transform some of them, while leaving some behind. And me- in love with holding onJhanging there, even dragging some circles incomplete.
I think some people are just like that, with varied interests. The thing is to be able to see the source of those interests and not for their success orientation (like me) or pleasing others, or being appreciated, you know I guess nothing is wrong if the fountain of these interests is in the dark woods of the heart. Nothing is wrong, anyway.
So after this guy told me to drop off the Phd, of course I didn’t. Although I was really thinking to drop it off, after the meeting with him, I was like, I’m not gonna leave it just because he told me so. Actually, right after that, I broke my foot and couldn’t do anything but sat on my ass and started writing it.
So this new moon, dark moon, whatever you call it.. I’m in Marmaris (see the photo up), Turgut village, with dogs and chickens, done my meditation in the rooftop and now thinking all these I’ve written. Plus a thesis waiting for final revision (please final). I feel suffocating. But I know by now, whenever I come up with a new idea or a good writing session, there is this suffocating moment, but usually before my period and I’m not these yet, so this makes this new moon so powerful and suffocating. I’m keeping a moon dial, a journal which tries to follow my period, moon, planets, dreams, experiences. I’m loving it and getting benefits. I’ll write about it another time. Actually this post I feel like also belongs to the diary. Wanna keep it here though, because I increasingly feel like sharing these days. Sharing is beautiful.
I guess I see myself in 5 years with something that would include some learning and teaching, somewhere close to water. Somewhere warm enough for a Vata dosha person. With someone makes me laugh loud. With sweet fruits. With some animals. But his question was not about these. I’m not sure what it was about:) But I am asking more often “how do I feel now?” I’m trying to observe my mind. Meditation really helped for developing this skill bit by bit, especially the Headspace! I love the tone of meditation guide’s voice in that app.
This suffocating feeling.. it is part of the cycle, right? Before rebirth. It’s beautiful. I’m glad, I’ve written this piece, feeling more in peace, ready to observe more. Off to meditate and then look at my screen with multiple versions of every single chapter of this thesis and contemplate..
Plus, sometimes it is better not to know how the things will turn out, because like I’d never thought this thesis would be the thing in my life and if I’d known, I might not even have begun. And yet, I am glad that it opened up such a journey of self-discovery. Never ending, right? :D What ever!
I’m not editing this piece, feeling lazy, so it’s raw.